4th

Feeling SO anxious.......... I keep thinking about school and all the work I have to do..... I want this year to be over.... but also not because I'm gonna miss my friends so bad AHHHH BRING ME BACK TO LAST YEAR PLEASE..............

All I've been doing is rotting in my room with this constant feeling that everything is going to end soon, trying to ignore it... wishing I had the energy to go outside but I just can't????? god I cannot take care of myself when I'm on my own, I need deadlines and people telling me what to do all the time..... It's like in a video game. give me tasks. I want sidequests. if I just wander around the story won't develop and I'll start loosing hp randomly

DO I WANT TO DIE OR DO I NEED TO GO TO SLEEP?????

Update guess who got paranoid about his friend reading their blog and getting upset at them ? guess who was OBVIOUSLY WRONG and whose friend was just tired and texting coldly ??? CAN YOU GUESS ??? jzldshjf we are both so bad at feelings it's almost funny

I keep saying we're autistic but neither of us have a diagnosis so I'm gonna try to dial it back a bit. I do seriously belive we both should get a diagnosis though. Date night ;-P at the psychiatrist

February

28th

I uhhhhhhh I just realised bennyshaped's neocities is down ???? I was SO SCARED but then I remembered the wayback machine exists
My relationship with this creator is so strange, I think I stumbled upon a good part of their social media, and everytime I saw something they made I was so inspired and envious..... they're like the better version of me. Anyway I looked it up and apparently they're just taking a break from internet. good for them honestly !! it's just so weird to see what was for me such a strong internet presence just.... dissapear. like literally they deleted/privated everything (idk) I'm kinda heartbroken :(

what was I going to write..... ah right. So..... since it's been a while I've written anything I'll update my life a bit.
Something WEIRD is happening?? there's a guy (gender neutral)(let's call them Kai idk) that hung out w/ my friend and me for a bit, I think they spent some time with us because they had a crush on one of my friend. I mean, I know for a fact they had a crush on her
Now you might've guessed from my pass tense that it's not the case anymore lol, which is good for me because???? I told her????? I'm really bad a t lying I'm so sorry :( I'm still trying to tell Kai that I told her crush. I don't think Kai even knew that I knew AHHH THIS IS AWFUL I FEEL BAD

But that's not what I wanted to say, basically we got closer during our internship and now we're real good friends. The thing is I feel like they like me??? Like, I put this information into my mind and if feels like it still makes sense from the way they talk to me sometimes, especially over text??? I feel like we're both really autistic and bad at both flirting and expressing our feelings, so we're stuck in this rabbit hole of "flirting as a joke" and then changing the subject once it gets too real???
Because of all this I've been really thinking about the way I view relationships. I've never dated anybody before and the only person I ever had a crush on is a compulsive liar that doesn't know what consent means... I got this from my friend, good thing I never became friends with him..

Anyway, basically I..... Ok first of all Kai is afab and fine w/ it. I know for a fact I'm attracted to amab people, so like it's so confusing because I don't know if I could ever like afab people or if I just feel uncomfortable dating somebody that's afab because I'm a trans guy??? and maybe that feeling will go away once I transition?? I don't want to juge people because of their assigned gender at birth but if I'm thinking about dating them then it does have to matter, right...? I.... IDK I DONT LIKE IT. I WISH I WERE BI OR PAN OR SOMETHING EASIER????

The thing is, I'm aware when you're dating somebody, you have to put effort into it to make it work. but would that include, in my case, starting dating somebody even tho I know if it ever got like.. yk.. intimate then I'd get uncomfortable???? because I'm not asexual, and romantically I don't think attraction is a problem. I'd be comfortable saying I'm at least biromantic. but sexually?? yeah it's more complicated.
I think I just feel happy somebody is showing interest towards me, since I'm trans and honestly having a cisgender guy fall for me feel basically impossible :( I- AHHHH AM I REALLY TALKING ABOUT MY ROMANTIC LIFE TO A DOZEN OF STRANGERS??? probably less if we're being honest. I just feel safe because, from the front page of this site, if anybody is reading this it's people that understand what a trans person is, right? ...right? do you know what afab means? 😰

LMAO OKAY I KEEP GETTING DISTRACTED. one more thing before I finish this entry, I don't really have anybody else to talk to about this haha. I do have Aaron, but we've been talking less lately and I don't want to vent to him. he's already got a lot going on dating-wise, and I also don't think I want advice from anybody. I know inside of me that it's not going to work out with Kai and me. even if they were amab, THEY WANT TO MOVE TO MEXICO. AND HAVE A RANCH. I would LOVE that for them. but.. not for me 😭 I don't want to live in mexico. A ranch is fine, I oove animals and I would love a pig or a sheep. or a cow <3. but I don't think I would want the same kind of life they want. They deserve so much more than some egocentric autistic mess. I feel like in some universe, they found my website and are reading this. If we're in this timeline right now, just know that I'm sorry you found out what I think about you through this cursed blog entry. I hope we can talk about this when I come to your house next week. good night, insomniacs <3

Valentine's day

I had a french exam that took all day, went home and fell asleep.

Lol I was only going to write that but now that I think about it something kinda nice happened, I gave my cowboy-obsessed friend a drawing of a cowboy and they gave me A bottle with the weezer blue album painted on it lmao I love them

January

I have not written anyhting in my blog during january because this month was literal hell :(
I realised I really need some sun in my life otherwise I feel depressed haha ! I also was (and still am) really stressed out with all the exams coming on top of all the work I have to do. Some of those projects will count for my diploma, so my brain can't differenciate between the important ones and the usual ones. Which means I end up stressing out about everything lol.
I don't understand why my teachers keep giving us usual projects as if nothing was happening while at the same time getting angry at us when they see us "doing nothing" because we could be working on our important projects...?

So yeah this month sure was shit. At least I had my 3DS w/ me so I could play Ace Attorney and Animal Crossing.