29th

We're together?????????????? I've been single my whole life so I guess that's why it feel weird lol
We made it official on the 16th but (like they said) we were kind of already acting like a couple before that. I'm pretty sure we both planned to ask the other out at the same time lol. I uhmmm I know I need to be patient with myself but I'm still anxiousssss I feel like a bad boyfriend and I know I could be better, I just get paralysed with fear everytime I want to hold their hand hmmm chat should I jump off a building or wait </3

On a different note, I might create a whole new site again :/// I don't want to delete this blog but also it's upsetting to not be able to share my site to my irl friends </3 I often talk about how I know html but nobody knows why lmao
Also the page is B-B-B-BROKENNN or at least I don't understand the initial layout I shamelessly stole /j
Sad. I think i'll change the url so I can use my most used username on the new one. I hate when this happens, I really thought this one the one :// too baddd

14th

One more exam today, but it was an art one so I basically drew for 6 hours and now my thumb hurts :(
currently witnessing 3people at once on mu website, this has never happened before???? Ya better leave a word in my damn guestbook >:(

Uhhhhrg i want to make this site so much better, but honestly the internet in not good for my distracted brain. Between writing this paragraph and the pervious one I edited my current fav songs, updated buggy stamps, went on 3 other websites, updated my spotify playlist....... I hope my gap year will help me get focused more easily, or at least help me learn to prioritize information. I'm such a mess omg grrnjrfhg

13th

THE WORST EXAMS ARE BEHIND USSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS LETS GO OMG AHHDFGVHDJSKLDKFJGHFJDSLQMSKDJFHG
I was so fucking stressed out I couldn't think about anything else >:( It's not over yet, I have a few other exams and orals but they don't stress me out as much, who cares ARHGGG

I finally saw Kai again after those looooonnnggg 2 weeks of shcool break ‼️‼️ It felt good. We didn't speak that much again about our feelings but I think I managed to make it clear that I wasn't as anxious anymore haha. I drew Gumshoe for them isn't that enough??? AND a House MD fanart. AND an official freddy fazbear signature. Who could ask for more⁉️

Everything is slowly going back to how it was before (from my pov at least). Except for uh well we both know we want each other lmao but we haven't talked about that again yet. Today is Tuesday, we have an exam tomorrow, Thursday is a busy day... I'm going to ask them out Fridayjdksdbds
We don't have anything from 10am to 2pm and we always spend that time together away from everyone mwahaha this is perfect 😈😈😈 I need to be brave. I don't want to do it by message or paper. I have no idea what they're going to say lol. Maybe they'd rather wait, maybe they'll say yes. They'll most likely say ew as a joke lol. I DON'T CARE I want to know if they want it or not. I do AHH???

It's a bit of a strange feeling for me, because first I always felt that affection from them, since we started spending more time together I've felt safe, heard, appriciated. We laugh a lot. I love their sense of humor. Idk it just felt natural. For me making it official would just mean we have an excuse to hold hands HAHZHHD
But even though it feels natural, I don't feel the way I expected.
I'm not crazy about them. And, I mean, neither are they but I do feel like their feelings are clearer than mine. They've also been lasting for longer. I don't feel embarassed with them. I do a little bit when they show me affection, but I can't help but worry it should be more. Idk I know I'm overthinking lol I need to calm down

On a completely different note, we found my old gacha instagram account LMAO??? I'm scared it's been making me consider getting back to it lol. I was 12 when I used this account, it was cringy at first to see it again, but now I'm quite fond of that time. I was just having fun lol. Should I create a new gacha account??? Troll a bit on it, tell my friends it's "for the bit" except not completely LMAO
My fnaf phase has also been coming back, I don't know what's happening to me. I'm turning 12 again. I just don't care about being cringe anymore >:( to be cringe is to be free.

April

EXAMS. SO MANY. Professionnal exams, coef 14 orals LOL. it went well!!! I did good and I'm proud of myself hihihi
I'll be honest I forgot most of what happened in April because exams erase my memory

I went at my grandma's for my mom's birthday, it was great and I drew SO MUCH???? I love Ace Attorney so much omg Mask★DeMasque AJAJZDHFGDHDNJO

Also. Important Lore update omglzskdjf.
Friday the 18th, we only had one hour of class from 8 to 9. At first I thought I wouldn't go, but I still hesitated because I like being with my friends. Then Kai told me they still had to wait for their train, which is around guess what 5PM???? So I invited them to my house lol. It definitely sounded better than to wait 8 literal hours with nothing to do </3

It was fun, probably a bit boring but we were together so it was fine lol.
now.
next day, evening, I sit on my desk's chair for the first time apparently?? And I see something on my desk. At first I thought it was a letter from my DAD???? idk why but that doesn't matter, it's not from my dad. It's from Kai.

It's a freaking way too well written love letter??????????

haha I feel better now (i'm writing this in May) but I'm telling you I uhmmmm I didn't know how to react ahh
I knew they probably liked me, but I never thought too much about it, I never expected them to tell me anything about it. I responded in a letter but I HATE IT i was so anxious and unsure of myself arhhh I wish I'd taken more time to respond and to feel better. My stomach kept aching it was awful ahh.
anyways we spoke a lot, and I had to wait a whole two weeks?????? to see them again </3

Basically I had never thought about it as an actual possibility before, and this never happened to me??? I realized I'm really not someone who confesses lol. I'd rather it comes from somebody because otherwise I guess I assume they don't actually need me in their life idk. The way I feel things is confusing.

so to resume I had both a great and an awful time all at once, because I saw my family and SOMEBODY LIKES ME WTF???? But also I reacted like the confused idiot I am and I blame(d) myself a lot :(

March

Month recap : Stressed out, but also I bought a new sketchbook and drew a lot. working on important exams send help. Also I went to Kai's. Pov you went to your friend's house (their sister would only start her sentences with pov) Also they made me play Red Dead Redemption, I liked hunting lol. Also I did end up going outside, took a big walk <3

4th

Feeling SO anxious.......... I keep thinking about school and all the work I have to do..... I want this year to be over.... but also not because I'm gonna miss my friends so bad AHHHH BRING ME BACK TO LAST YEAR PLEASE..............

All I've been doing is rotting in my room with this constant feeling that everything is going to end soon, trying to ignore it... wishing I had the energy to go outside but I just can't????? god I cannot take care of myself when I'm on my own, I need deadlines and people telling me what to do all the time..... It's like in a video game. give me tasks. I want sidequests. if I just wander around the story won't develop and I'll start loosing hp randomly

DO I WANT TO DIE OR DO I NEED TO GO TO SLEEP?????

Update guess who got paranoid about his friend reading their blog and getting upset at them ? guess who was OBVIOUSLY WRONG and whose friend was just tired and texting coldly ??? CAN YOU GUESS ??? jzldshjf we are both so bad at feelings it's almost funny

I keep saying we're autistic but neither of us have a diagnosis so I'm gonna try to dial it back a bit. I do seriously belive we both should get a diagnosis though. Date night ;-P at the psychiatrist

February

28th

I uhhhhhhh I just realised bennyshaped's neocities is down ???? I was SO SCARED but then I remembered the wayback machine exists
My relationship with this creator is so strange, I think I stumbled upon a good part of their social media, and everytime I saw something they made I was so inspired and envious..... they're like the better version of me. Anyway I looked it up and apparently they're just taking a break from internet. good for them honestly !! it's just so weird to see what was for me such a strong internet presence just.... dissapear. like literally they deleted/privated everything (idk) I'm kinda heartbroken :(

I deleted what I wrote next haha, Basically I have a friend who I have a lot of fun with, and I'm pretty sure they like me???? and I rambled a bit too much about not knowing if I like them that way. Because uhmm I thought I was gay and they're afab so I'm confused :') Let's call them Kai btw haha. feelings are confusing <3

Valentine's day

I had a french exam that took all day, went home and fell asleep.

Lol I was only going to write that but now that I think about it something kinda nice happened, I gave my cowboy-obsessed friend (Kai) a drawing of a cowboy and they gave me A bottle with the weezer blue album painted on it lmao I love them

January

I have not written anyhting in my blog during january because this month was literal hell :(
I realised I really need some sun in my life otherwise I feel depressed haha ! I also was (and still am) really stressed out with all the exams coming on top of all the work I have to do. Some of those projects will count for my diploma, so my brain can't differenciate between the important ones and the usual ones. Which means I end up stressing out about everything lol.
I don't understand why my teachers keep giving us usual projects as if nothing was happening while at the same time getting angry at us when they see us "doing nothing" because we could be working on our important projects...?

So yeah this month sure was shit. At least I had my 3DS w/ me so I could play Ace Attorney and Animal Crossing.